(Not so) Fit-versary: Two Years (Before, During, After, and back to During Pics)

April 30th was my two year anniversary of the day I decided to get fit.  I had big plans for the month of April:

  • I was going to weigh 150lbs.
  • I was going to be in the best shape of my life.
  • I was going to run a marathon.

None of these things happened because little did I know, I was no longer going to have a mother.  Just four short days after my half-marathon on October 4th, my mother became ill.  She was already ill–heart disease, kidney failure, dialysis, but she became hospital-ill.  In January, she became gravely ill.  A month later, she passed away.  And it was awful.  All of it.

I am a binge eater.  A stress eater.  An emotional eater.  A drinker. Bad, bad combo.  From October-January, I ate a little extra.  When I came to visit my mother at least once a week, I would also visit my favorite restaurant and order a burger and booze.  On occasion.  Infrequently.  Once in a while.  I put on a few pounds, but no big deal.

In February, my world blew up.  I dealt with her death well.  I stayed composed when everyone else crumbled.  I made arrangements.  I printed pictures for the tribute table.  I made a video slide show.  I composed a beautiful obituary.  I contacted family members.  I lovingly chose the last outfit my mother would ever wear.  I sifted through jewelry, found her dentures, located her glasses.  I chose flowers, signed papers, wrote thank you cards, and closed bank accounts.

I barely got to say goodbye.

There was no still, quiet moment with a single streaming tear in a solemn room alone with the woman who gave me life.

There was just busyness followed by emptiness.

To ease the pain, I drank.  A lot.  And I ate.  A lot.  I binge-ate, binge-drank, and binge-watched Grey’s Anatomy reruns. As a result, I don’t feel any better and I certainly don’t look any better.  I have gained about 40lbs (I’m TOTALLY guessing because I refuse to get on the scale).  I’ve been getting back into the swing of things.  Running or hiking a local trail after school, body-weight strength training, and eating the proper amount of calories.

So far, it’s been hit or miss.  I’m on the wagon a few days or a few weeks, and then I tumble off that sucker for a week or so and go hog wild (emphasis on the “hog”).

I did take measurements about 2 weeks ago, and I have lost inches, so that’s good.  That’s motivating.  Writing about this is also motivating, not to mention therapeutic.  Once I work up the nerve to get on the scale, I’m sure watching those numbers go down will be motivating as well.

I have set new goals for the summer and fall of 2015:

  • Run a 10k
  • Run a 13.1
  • Run a marathon in October.

Goals are good.  Goals keep a person going.  Goals give me something to focus on.  School will be out soon, and I plan to spend my summer running and getting back into the best shape of my life! 🙂

Where I was two years ago:

I like-a-da foods.

I like-a-da foods.

No chins were harmed in the losing of this weight...

No chins were harmed in the losing of this weight…

I had gained from the 2012 pic, and then started losing again in Apr 2013.  This pic is probably about 245-250.

Approximately where I am now:

Weighing in at about 190 here on April 9, 2014.

Jay Sheets and Marie Pearl…and ME!

Where I want to be:

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Baby Boomers 12 2014 017

Selfie-alert!

Selfie-alert!

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Hello Heartache: Part Two

I will continue to grieve my sweet mother, but I cannot continue to sulk.  Let me be real:  I have eaten everything in the entire house.  I’m an emotional eater and a binge eater.  Bad combo.  Really bad.

This. Is. Done.

The one decent thing I can do to honor my mother’s existence is to eat healthy, be active, and live a long and physically fit life with my kids and future grandkids.

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Here’s the plan for tomorrow:

Breakfast-coffee and banana (I loathe eating breakfast, but if I must, I must.)

Lunch-leftover baked chicken leg and asparagus

Dinner-grilled chicken breast and brocolli

Snacks-something healthy-fruit, veggies, popcorn…whatever I’m in the mood for

Run-1.5 miles (I’m easing back into it and don’t want to get burned out right away)

In the midst of all my recent eating, I HAVE been able to get back to running (somewhat).  I’ve been running a mile a few times a week, and yesterday after my run, hubby and I hiked  three miles (I had taken a personal day from work).

Slowly (and by “slowly” I mean a 13+ minute/mile pace), but surely, I will get back to the land of the living and the home of the healthy.

Sorry for my unusually disorganized post.  The old brain isn’t firing on all cylinders these days.

I look forward to checking back in with you, my accountability partners, tomorrow with good news of good eating habits and a great run.

Hug someone today!

Hello Heartache (Part One)

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It finally happened.  My gorgeous, vibrant, hilarious, dear mother died.  She was miserable in her final years and had become confined to her bed and wheelchair in the last months of her life.  Her death: a blessing…and an unfillable void.

She lived a beautiful life.  She had beautiful children.  Her children had beautiful children.  And life goes on.  We love her and we miss her terribly.  Such a beautiful sadness I have in my heart.

I wrote her obituary and a poem, both of which my dear friend of many years read at my mother’s funeral service.  I wanted her to have a special send off–one befitting such a lovely woman. (Some information has been left out/changed for privacy purposes).

My mother passed away peacefully on the afternoon of February 25, 2015 at the age of 66.

A loving mother and grandmother, Carole was born in St. Louis on November 29, 1948.  In 1967 she married Tommy and made her home in Southeast Missouri.

She worked very hard to provide for her family, enjoying the years she spent as a secretary most.

Each spring, Carole took great pride in planning and planting her many flower beds and large vegetable garden from which she would spend her summer canning fresh green beans, tomatoes, and pickles. 

In winter months, Carole decorated every square inch of her home for the holidays. She bought an obscene amount of gifts for her children — and later in life, her grandchildren. She cooked and baked for days in preparation to host extended family on her favorite holiday, Christmas.  She also enjoyed reading and shopping; she simply could not pass up a good sale.

Carole once said her greatest accomplishment in life was her beautiful family that includes her children whom she loved beyond measure, and her grandbabies who were her greatest joy in life.

Carole is survived by two sons — Eric (Amy)  and their three children, Michaela, Hadley, and Haydon; Matt and his two girls, Molly and Autumn; two daughters — Tammy and her two daughters, Jade and Lily, of New York; and Becky (Dave) and their two children, Layni and Lucas, all of whom treasured her beyond words and will dearly miss their sweet mother and grandmother.   She is also survived by her husband Tommy, two sisters, Mary Ellen and Linda, one brother, Michael, numerous nieces and nephews, and a host of wonderful friends who will remember her for her kind and compassionate nature in troubled times and for her one of a kind sense of humor and witty comebacks.

Carole was welcomed home by her parents, Anna Marie and Homer, and firstborn son, Wayne Thomas, Jr.

In lieu of flowers, you may donate to the American Diabetes Association in Carole’s honor via mail or phone.

(Untitled Poem)

For a time, we held her hand with our tiny hands,
While she held our whole world in the beating of her heart.
We grew and changed and gave her new hands to hold;
New babies full of sticky kisses and eyelash wishes.
She watched them grow as she grew old,
Treasuring every moment spent, every memory made,
Reveling in the love and the legacy unfolding before her watchful eye.
And though she is gone from this world,
We can never be apart
Because her heart beats in our hearts:
Every thump, every beat, a reminder
Of the rhythm of her love passing through the ages.

Toward the close of the service, my sweet husband, who loved my mother very much, sang In the Garden while my cousin played the piano.  It was beautiful.  They had a special relationship, my husband and mother…

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After the service as we lined up in the procession that would take my mother to her final resting place, several people saw a bald eagle swooping low and circling over us while we waited. I can’t help but think this universal symbol of freedom was more than a mere coincidence.

Eagle

But those who wait on the Lord. They shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary. They shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

If I am being honest with myself, I have been stress eating since she was hospitalized on October 8th.  The main reason I started my weight loss journey was not only preventing the same outcome for my life, but to help honor hers.  I have been out of sync with myself for months, and it’s time to get myself back on track for myself..and for my momma.

I’ll post more in Part Two, and I promise to be more upbeat.  I just wanted to get this off of my chest and out of my mind.

Thanks for listening. 🙂