For most of my life, I’ve been overweight. As I type this, I am still overweight. The last time I was a healthy weight was when I was in kindergarten or first grade. It was all downhill from there. Not only have I been overweight, I have also been obese, and morbidly obese, even. In April of 2013, I weighed in at a hefty 297. My biggest problem? It wasn’t not being able to find clothing. It wasn’t being tired all the time. It wasn’t not being able to walk up a flight of stairs without being utterly exhausted. My biggest problem was that I absolutely freaking hated myself.
I promise…this post will be about self-love (you know what I mean, sickos!), just hang on to your hats a minute!
I could barely get up off the couch-my belly was in the way!
Carrying laundry up the stairs constituted a full on high intensity workout!
Nothing fit, nothing looked good.
I hid from friends; I never went out and found reasons to cancel plans.
I was embarrassed to eat in public.
I felt ugly.
I felt awful.
I felt sick all the time.
I felt unworthy of love.
I felt like I didn’t deserve my amazing husband.
I couldn’t play with my kids.
My whole day consisted of negative self-talk. You’re hideous. Look at you, you’re huge! Why would anyone want to talk to you? Look at you? Be with you? Do you feel that? You’re bouncing. You’re disgusting! No wonder you don’t have any friends. Failure. Hideous failure.
If I had a friend that spoke to me like that, I would definitely terminate that friendship; so, why did I let myself talk to me that way for so long? I let my weight identify me. It’s who I was…it’s who I was always going to be. Last. Least. Less than. Lower. I used every “L” word imaginable…except for the one that would change my life: Love.
In April 2013, I started loving myself. I didn’t wait until I lost five pounds. I didn’t wait until I wore a smaller size. I started loving myself on April 29, 2013 for no other reason than that I friggin’ deserved it! On that day, I made myself a priority. I began eating healthier because I deserved it. My body deserved it.
In May of 2013, I began exercising. Why? Because my body deserved that too. I had silenced myself with food and lethargy. It was time to speak up! I had a frank discussion with my ever-supportive husband. He truly is amazing, you guys. My rock. I told him that if I was going to do this, I needed his help. This meant I came first. Me, and no one else. Of course, I made sure my family’s basic needs were met, but it also meant my husband and kids had to step it up. I would work out downstairs while hubby made dinner or gave baths. I’d go for a walk while the kids did their homework. I did ME first and picked up the slack later. As time went on, I became more efficient with my new life style, and things went back to normal. I still put myself first, but I was back to cooking dinner before hubby got home, and cleaning up around the house while the kids were in the tub. Efficiency. That was me. That was my life.
The more I did for myself, the more my love for me grew. I was worthy. I was good. I was helpful, funny, smart, witty, happy. I became everything that I should have always been!
What I would tell the old me:
If I could tell the old me…the 300 pound me anything, it would be to love yourself. Love all 300 pounds of you. You are special. You are lovely. You are beautiful. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for.
Don’t beat yourself up…you’ll just drag yourself down. Just because you are overweight, it doesn’t mean you are worthless. Love the skin you are in. Love your body now. Treat it with respect, and I promise…I swear…good things will happen. Feed your body well. Take it for walks. Spend time with YOU. In a year’s time, weight will have disappeared. The love you have for your body will show. You will feel better. You will live better. You will play harder. Don’t wish your life away. Don’t wish for 20 pounds from now. Don’t wish for a smaller pant size. Love you NOW. Right now is all you have. Don’t waste another second wishing for something that isn’t here. Today is all you’ve got. Feed yourself well today. Be physically active today. Love yourself enough to do that. Worry about tomorrow…tomorrow. It’s the little moments that count.
For me, those little moments have added up to 135 pounds lost. If I had told myself a year ago that I had to lose 135 pounds by July 2014, I never would have made it. I did this day by day and pound by pound…simply by loving myself along the way. I am happier. My kids are happier. My husband is happier. The decision to put myself first has made everyone’s life better! Because my cup is full, it spills over into my family’s cups…and they’re running over too!
To all of you:
Start loving yourself today, no matter where you are. It WILL be worth it, even if you never lose an ounce. Live a quality life, people. We only get to do this once.
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